1. Do They Like Movies?
If the answer is no, they are psychopath, If you don't like movies, you are also a psychopath.
2. Do they like classical music?
If the answer is yes you better cover ears before you start having mature thought processes. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life
3. Are they an only child?
If the answer is yes then I'm gonna bet their remote wrestling skills are seriously underdeveloped! Seriously, they better get ready to stop being a selfish prick.
4. Do they ever lose control of their body?
If they look perplexed and say no in a confused voice they have obviously never eaten pizza.
5. Have they ever eaten pizza?
If the answer is no they are a psychopath.
6. Have they ever eaten a whole pizza by themselves?
If the answer is no, that's good! Because eating that much pizza would be disgusting, and ...you should probably never eat pizza in front of them....
7. Do they wear socks with sandals?
If the answer is yes and they don't have children they should seriously think about double checking to see if they have children, because that is SO your dad. If they wear socks with flip flops....LOL.
*I laughed out loud
8. Do they drink?
If the answer is no they obviously ain't hung around yo' ass long enough.
9. Do they have any weird hobbies, like taxidermy?
You better move before they go all Norman Bates on your ass!
10. Do they like puppies?
If the answer is no they are definitely making Dalmatian coats and you need to call this number: 615-867-5309
Friday, May 20, 2016
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Stay At Home Mom isn't a REAL job
I just want to live in a mansion.
And be rich.
Anyone else?
When you wake up in the morning, right before you open your eyes, do you ever just hope that you and your family slept into an alternate reality where Alice the maid brings you breakfast in bed, your favorite waste-my-life away magazine, and walks your dogs for you?
In fact, I will still change my son's diaper, Alice can just bring me the diaper and the wipes from the changing table that's 3 feet away.
I recently read a post from a stay at home Mom in a mom-group wondering how she should go about talking to her husband about hiring a housekeeper, and people were giving her a hard time...There was one lady who told her she had no right to want a housekeeper since she didn't work!
Granted, that bitchy lady will probably never read this, but I'd like to set the record straight.
She sucks.
Housework is hard dammit, and if I could afford a maid guess who's laundry basket would be empty?!?
Um, mine! Duh.
I hate doing laundry. It's not even hard, I just can't play on my phone while I watch movies :P Same reason I hate to iron, but worse because I actually have to stand up, ya know?
All satire aside, however, I really can't even get laundry or ironing done until my Baby John is asleep (or during the window John is home), so my job starts when I wake up-BEFORE I'M READY TO WAKE UP-and ends when I go to bed.
Let's go through the day of this stay at home Mom.
My day starts when I feel my sons hand WHOP on my face in the morning and I open my sticky eyes and he smiles SO big. Aghhh. Best worst thing ever! Then I close my eyes again and nuzzle up to him, hoping that he's not quiteeee ready to wake up and-UGHHHHHHHH, he smacks me in the eye, and squeezes my cheek to where his nails are digging into my tear ducts so hard that I have a moment of panic before I pry his hand off.
I will go ahead and say that I am one of the lucky Moms whose son sleeps til about 8:30 or 9:30 every day. I get up, change his diaper, change him out of his pajamas, and then put him in his play pen. (He's getting really good at crawling backwards, but doesn't quite understand how to pull his body forward!)
While he's playing happily from his good night's rest, I go walk my dogs. We come back inside, I give them water. I hurry up and make coffee and empty and load the dishwasher while the coffee's brewing.
(THIS USED TO BE AS FAR AS I GOT. Up until Baby started to scoot he wasn't havin' play time ANY longer than this. It was all about Mommy standing him up, holding him upright so he could jump (good walking lessons). He was too little for the bouncer, and too big to want to lay down all the time, and he also couldn't quite maneuver on his hands and knees yet.)
Anyway, most of the time I wipe of the kitchen counters. Sometimes I'm lazy. Screw it.
Then I have coffee and eat, and when little John fusses I put him in his bouncer, which he loves, and we watch one of the same 3 episodes of Baby Genius for about the 100th time. I have to tell you, the animal sing-along Baby Genius on Netflix is a lifesaver. Honestly, nothing holds his attention like that dang TV show. He bounces to the beat, and gives a good little adjusty-kick when he's off beat to get on beat again. Got a real future in music, I fear.
Then he gets really fussy and he wants to eat. Usually he naps in my arms because he's teething and has a hard time sleeping in his crib through the pain. :(
HE'S BEEN TEETHING FOR 2 MONTHS. MY ARMS ARE GOING TO BE PERMANENTLY NUMB WHEN HE'S DONE TEETHING BECAUSE OF ALL THE NAPPING.
Honestly, sometimes that doesn't even work. Sometimes his teeth just hurt too much and he doesn't nap. Those are hard days.
When he wakes up we change his diaper and then it's usually time for Daddy to wake up. He plays with Daddy while I iron and sweep the floor and do whatever else I need to do. Daddy goes to work at 3 and baby eats and naps again.
When he wakes up it's time for me to eat again. I AM ALWAYS HUNGRY so it feels like I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh lord. I walk the dogs while he watches his show in his bouncer. He might watch for an hour or more, he might not. Usually he'll sit in my lap part of the time while I kiss his cute face.
THEN around 6 he turns into an angry beast, but he WILL NOT go to bed until 8, because that's when it's dark outside, LOL. So he naps and eats somewhere between 6 and 7 (hopefully) and FINALLY 8 o'clock comes!
Don't judge me. To those of you without kids, you should carry a 16lb bag of dog food around half the day or a watermelon or something, and then tell me taking care of a baby isn't hard! I love my son more than anything, but those few hours he spends in his crib my body actually belongs to me again. IN FACT, sometimes he doesn't even sleep for hours. For the past week he's woken up every 30 minutes til I go to bed (except for tonight, hooray!).
Then I get to do laundry. :)
This list doesn't account for the days that I let the dishes go so that we can go see different family members-doubling them the next day, or when he's having the crankiest day in the world and I can't get anything done. It's the variable things, and the mental strain of having to be everything for one little person all day long. I'm all smiles all the time! All positive all the time! I am a complex individual with many cynical ideas. He's a baby, ain't no baby got time for that.
Also, I don't know about other stay at home moms, but my boyfriend works 50 hours a week, and he plays sports. Taking care of a baby is hard job, and cleaning is a hard job, so people need to stop being asses just cause their jealous when another Mom is rich enough to hire help.
Really though, as rewarding as it is, staying at home taking care of a baby, 2 dogs, and a 950 sq. foot apartment is hard work, and to the rich lady who wants help cleaning that extra 1000-4000 feet of house,
Are you hiring?
Lol, so yeah, if you want to hire a housekeeper hire a housekeeper.
Just stop rubbing it in my face!
Bye.
And be rich.
Anyone else?
When you wake up in the morning, right before you open your eyes, do you ever just hope that you and your family slept into an alternate reality where Alice the maid brings you breakfast in bed, your favorite waste-my-life away magazine, and walks your dogs for you?
In fact, I will still change my son's diaper, Alice can just bring me the diaper and the wipes from the changing table that's 3 feet away.
I recently read a post from a stay at home Mom in a mom-group wondering how she should go about talking to her husband about hiring a housekeeper, and people were giving her a hard time...There was one lady who told her she had no right to want a housekeeper since she didn't work!
Granted, that bitchy lady will probably never read this, but I'd like to set the record straight.
She sucks.
Housework is hard dammit, and if I could afford a maid guess who's laundry basket would be empty?!?
Um, mine! Duh.
I hate doing laundry. It's not even hard, I just can't play on my phone while I watch movies :P Same reason I hate to iron, but worse because I actually have to stand up, ya know?
All satire aside, however, I really can't even get laundry or ironing done until my Baby John is asleep (or during the window John is home), so my job starts when I wake up-BEFORE I'M READY TO WAKE UP-and ends when I go to bed.
Let's go through the day of this stay at home Mom.
My day starts when I feel my sons hand WHOP on my face in the morning and I open my sticky eyes and he smiles SO big. Aghhh. Best worst thing ever! Then I close my eyes again and nuzzle up to him, hoping that he's not quiteeee ready to wake up and-UGHHHHHHHH, he smacks me in the eye, and squeezes my cheek to where his nails are digging into my tear ducts so hard that I have a moment of panic before I pry his hand off.
I will go ahead and say that I am one of the lucky Moms whose son sleeps til about 8:30 or 9:30 every day. I get up, change his diaper, change him out of his pajamas, and then put him in his play pen. (He's getting really good at crawling backwards, but doesn't quite understand how to pull his body forward!)
While he's playing happily from his good night's rest, I go walk my dogs. We come back inside, I give them water. I hurry up and make coffee and empty and load the dishwasher while the coffee's brewing.
(THIS USED TO BE AS FAR AS I GOT. Up until Baby started to scoot he wasn't havin' play time ANY longer than this. It was all about Mommy standing him up, holding him upright so he could jump (good walking lessons). He was too little for the bouncer, and too big to want to lay down all the time, and he also couldn't quite maneuver on his hands and knees yet.)
Anyway, most of the time I wipe of the kitchen counters. Sometimes I'm lazy. Screw it.
Then I have coffee and eat, and when little John fusses I put him in his bouncer, which he loves, and we watch one of the same 3 episodes of Baby Genius for about the 100th time. I have to tell you, the animal sing-along Baby Genius on Netflix is a lifesaver. Honestly, nothing holds his attention like that dang TV show. He bounces to the beat, and gives a good little adjusty-kick when he's off beat to get on beat again. Got a real future in music, I fear.
Then he gets really fussy and he wants to eat. Usually he naps in my arms because he's teething and has a hard time sleeping in his crib through the pain. :(
HE'S BEEN TEETHING FOR 2 MONTHS. MY ARMS ARE GOING TO BE PERMANENTLY NUMB WHEN HE'S DONE TEETHING BECAUSE OF ALL THE NAPPING.
Honestly, sometimes that doesn't even work. Sometimes his teeth just hurt too much and he doesn't nap. Those are hard days.
When he wakes up we change his diaper and then it's usually time for Daddy to wake up. He plays with Daddy while I iron and sweep the floor and do whatever else I need to do. Daddy goes to work at 3 and baby eats and naps again.
When he wakes up it's time for me to eat again. I AM ALWAYS HUNGRY so it feels like I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh lord. I walk the dogs while he watches his show in his bouncer. He might watch for an hour or more, he might not. Usually he'll sit in my lap part of the time while I kiss his cute face.
THEN around 6 he turns into an angry beast, but he WILL NOT go to bed until 8, because that's when it's dark outside, LOL. So he naps and eats somewhere between 6 and 7 (hopefully) and FINALLY 8 o'clock comes!
Don't judge me. To those of you without kids, you should carry a 16lb bag of dog food around half the day or a watermelon or something, and then tell me taking care of a baby isn't hard! I love my son more than anything, but those few hours he spends in his crib my body actually belongs to me again. IN FACT, sometimes he doesn't even sleep for hours. For the past week he's woken up every 30 minutes til I go to bed (except for tonight, hooray!).
Then I get to do laundry. :)
This list doesn't account for the days that I let the dishes go so that we can go see different family members-doubling them the next day, or when he's having the crankiest day in the world and I can't get anything done. It's the variable things, and the mental strain of having to be everything for one little person all day long. I'm all smiles all the time! All positive all the time! I am a complex individual with many cynical ideas. He's a baby, ain't no baby got time for that.
Also, I don't know about other stay at home moms, but my boyfriend works 50 hours a week, and he plays sports. Taking care of a baby is hard job, and cleaning is a hard job, so people need to stop being asses just cause their jealous when another Mom is rich enough to hire help.
Really though, as rewarding as it is, staying at home taking care of a baby, 2 dogs, and a 950 sq. foot apartment is hard work, and to the rich lady who wants help cleaning that extra 1000-4000 feet of house,
Are you hiring?
Lol, so yeah, if you want to hire a housekeeper hire a housekeeper.
Just stop rubbing it in my face!
Bye.
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